I don’t like big parties, especially ones where I meet people I don’t know. I already knew it since I was in junior high school. I did enjoy the company of my closest friends and family, I have held birthday parties and invited ten to twenty friends, and I am still okay with that because I know the guests and the parties are held in a private section or room of a restaurant or coffee shop but attending a bigger gathering (and having to mingle with others whom I don’t recognise) is totally a different story and proves to be a great challenge for me.
I went to a big one last night. It was an event held by the company I work for. I knew from the beginning that it would be a real challenge and struggle for me. The company invited around 250 guests to a party taking place at an open-air bar that perches on the 22nd level of a hotel. I didn’t count how many guests came last night but based on my observation, my best guess would be around 300 so it was a lot of people. I stuck with my team members since I barely knew anyone. Indeed, there were some familiar faces—singers, entertainers, actors, socialites, well you name it but I don’t know them personally. I felt stressed out and anxious, barely “surviving” the evening. There was a corner on the west side of the bar area where we kept our stuff—bags, goodie bags, jackets, or whatnot, and I went there a couple of times to hide from the people and “recharge” my energy. Of course, I informed my team members that I needed to “go to the bathroom” (my kind of way of saying “I need a time-out”), and thankfully, they understood. I spent ten to fifteen minutes there attempting to calm myself down and when I came back to the party area, I had one drink to divert my attention from the stressor.
Nah, I had already had a glass of wine earlier… or two. I couldn’t recall it. The white wine was pretty good, though. It had a sweet caramel-y hint. The red one was just okay. I never really like red wine anyway.
I ended up having more drinks afterwards, getting a little tipsy. Nearing the end of the party, I talked with a co-worker—a videographer for my company about the party, the ambiance, and the drinks, and I decided to stick with him. I met him for the first time during a photoshoot-interview session with a rising actor. Coming from a similar educational background, I found it easy to talk with him and relate to his educational experiences. Observing how crowded the area was, we both admitted that we are not big fans of big parties and that witnessing large crowds gives us headaches, anxiety, and confusion. There is a Yiddish word for the feeling. Fershimmeled, I guess? We tried to get more drinks in an attempt to “enjoy” the moment but seeing how crowded the bar area was, I decided to walk to the crew area to bring some free water for us.
When a famous singer went to the stage and performed some songs, we walked to the front row to watch the performance while recording videos. I think it was during this time that I sort of forgot the feelings of isolation, confusion, and anxiety, immersing myself in the music. A self-proclaimed virtuoso, I find solace in music so, during difficult times or awkward situations (or otherwise giving me anxiety), music provides me a way to calm down. The main event came to an end, followed by an after-party. About half of the guests left the venue so the area was no longer crowded. My co-worker and I eventually reached the bar, ordered two drinks, and sat somewhere near the DJ booth. I was pretty drunk at this time, yet still managed to keep my balance and think well. What’s funny about drunk Klaus is that despite being intoxicated, I still have the self-awareness to know that I am drunk. I kept telling my co-workers that I was already drunk, and I recalled saying it. I never really let myself drunk anyway, and always attempt to stay sober as much as possible. It was about 11 and I knew I have to go so I said goodbye to my co-workers, ordered a cab, and went home.
Initially, I told myself I wouldn’t stay for the after-party but turned out I stayed at the venue longer than expected. I enjoyed the moment a bit but I knew still that I wanted to go home. Upon arriving home, my auntie, as expected, scolded me for coming home late but seeing how exhausted I was, she “toned down” her anger and told me to take a shower and go to bed afterwards. I took a shower—a long, hot shower while thinking about what happened. My brain replayed all those emotions—anxiety, confusion, everything. They were all washed away by the water falling onto my head. I felt a great relief that I almost cried. I might sound exaggerating but it was real. I dried my body, wore my clothes, and spent some time on Instagram before going to bed.
It was the first company event I attended. Putting aside the anxiety and confusion, I was able to count my blessings. I met my co-workers, got introduced to new people, and at least was able to forget about the stress brought by my unfinished tasks (by Monday, I have to finish some of them so I guess the stress is still haunting me one way or another). I had free drinks and a meal, I enjoyed a breathtaking view of the city and it was a full moon last night. My co-worker—my managing editor also gave me two perfumes and I love them. She is one of the co-workers I am the closest to and I feel comfortable talking to her about my emotions and experiences, and sometimes she does the same. She validates my feelings and experiences and looking back, I didn’t experience the same thing during my time in my former workplace. I’m forever thankful for meeting her and being able to work with her.
In the end, the experience serves as a reminder of my own character and personality. I don’t like big parties or huge crowds because they give me anxiety and confusion. I can be timid at times. I am not really good at striking up a conversation and networking is not my forte (and this presents a challenge for me as my job requires good networking skills). I should never forget to bring my inhaler (and I have to buy a new one). It also helps me remember some good things. For one, I have amazing, talented co-workers. I had an opportunity to attend an event where I met new people, albeit feeling super anxious. I had good drinks and food. And I “survived” the situation.
Also, a good lesson I learnt: always find a hideaway to go to… just in case the anxiety attacks.
Junseo's Thoughts 