Ambergris

Last month, I had an opportunity to interview someone special. It’s supposed to be a secret because it has something to do with my work, but I feel like I can’t keep it anymore. So… I interviewed Louis Vuitton’s master perfumer, Jacques Cavallier Belletrud! Yay! I was super nervous but also excited. It was an honour for me to talk with him about perfumery and the fragrances he has crafted for the French luxury house. Specifically, I asked him about his latest creations, Pur Ambre and Pur Santal. I went to Louis and tried both, and I have to say they were amazing (they still are, though). I love both, but Pur Ambre has left an indelible impression, and I think I can’t get enough of it. I sprayed it on a test strip and brought it home. The strip still projected the scent for the next three weeks. 

Louis Vuitton’s Pure Perfumes collection.

So, let’s talk about Pur Ambre a little bit. The fragrance is part of the Pure Perfumes line. The story began with Pur Oud, which was released earlier in 2021. Pur Ambre and Pur Santal were unveiled this year, and together, the three form the aforementioned fragrance collection. I tested all of them, but as I said before, Pur Ambre is my best favourite. I told Jacques that if the perfume was a human, it would be a loving mother because the scent is warm and enveloping, but, at the same time, strong and intense due to its outstanding performance, which he agreed with. I do love the scent, but I am also fascinated by its main ingredient—ambergris. 

Ambergris. Credit: National Geographic Indonesia

First things first, ambergris is not amber. They are two different things. Amber is a tree resin that has been fossilised. On the other hand, ambergris is a substance secreted by sperm whales. It is a solidified whale’s poo, to put it simply, even though it’s not really a faeces (the substance is formed inside the whale’s intestines and is later secreted through the anus). The name stems from the Arabic word “anbar”, which becomes “amber” in English or “ambre” in French. Specifically, “ambergris” means “grey amber” in French (gris means “grey” in French, like Gris Dior, meaning “Grey Dior”). The substance itself is grey, beige-coloured. Its scent is commonly described as warm, sweet, woody, and musky. Because of that, the substance is hailed “the floating gold”. Try searching “ambergris value” on Google, and you’ll get a big list of news articles about people catching a lucky break when they find a big chunk of ambergris. An article in the New York Post covers the story of a lucky Thai fisherman who found a 6.8-kilogram piece of ambergris worth over $230,000 in 2021. Another similar story is featured in Banbury Guardian; this time, it’s about a father and a son who found a 2-kilogram piece of ambergris on Leven Beach. However, it’s worth knowing that, due to its nature, freshly secreted ambergris smells faecal, has a darker colour, and looks unsightly. Yeah, basically, it looks like a poo. So, how does ambergris get its pleasant scent profile and become something so valuable? 

Jacques said that ambergris, after secreted, will float freely in the ocean. As it ages, it is exposed to the elements. Saltwater, minerals, raindrops, wind, sunshine, well, you name it. Ambergris faces the harshest storm, the hottest day, and the coldest winter on its journey. However, it never knows its final destination; it will go wherever the waves take it. Some ambergris pieces have to “endure” this condition for years before getting discovered or coming ashore, but after a long period of formation through exposure to the elements, ambergris transforms into a precious, highly sought-after material blessed with a musky, woody scent. 

High-quality ambergris is light grey to white on the outside. Credit: The Sun Malaysia

I did further research on ambergris and read an article from Ini Rumah Pintar. It is said that the best ambergris is assumed to have been in the ocean for 20 to 30 years. High-quality ambergris is also light grey to white on the outside due to the oxidation by salt water, and its inside has a lighter shade. In terms of texture, the best ambergris is hard, just like a stone. On the other hand, low-quality ambergris is soft, just like, well, a poo. In addition, a Wikipedia article on ambergris includes a statement by the author of Floating Gold: A Natural (and Unnatural) History of Ambergris, Christopher Kemp, who says that ambergris is only produced by sperm whales, and it is estimated that only one per cent of the population produces it, making ambergris very rare. 

The story of how ambergris is formed has left me amazed and a bit emotional. I can’t help but relate it to how someone can develop and grow into their best after a series of challenges. As we live, we are presented with an array of obstacles to tackle. Life is not always a happy summer vacation. Sometimes, it is a long period of stormy days, and we don’t know when the sun will return. We might not know our destination and feel confused. At some point, we are left with no other option than facing all things unpleasant and experiencing pain, but these serve as opportunities for us to learn and grow. And as we get older, we become wiser, stronger, and more precious. 

I think we all should learn from ambergris. Once an unwanted thing, it transforms into something beautiful and valuable after a long period of harsh formation. We are probably at the point where we feel like our lives are crumbling, or problems keep coming, and we don’t know when the suffering will come to an end. However, if we let ourselves learn and grow from the situation, I believe we can transform into our better selves (or, better, our best selves). And once we are at that point, we can look back and tell ourselves that we have tried our best and have done a great job, and see how precious we truly are… and we are worth more than a two hundred-grand ambergris chunk.

Dream Abode

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Dream home. Ah, it’s something I have always dreamt of. An architecture enthusiast (and a The Sims veteran), I love designing houses and have dreamt of owning my own house designed by, well, myself. I don’t have a degree in architecture. I didn’t study the field in college either, but I know what I like, what works for me, and what I need when it comes to living space. Yes, I know at this point in my life, I don’t have the means to afford my own place (I mean purchasing a house). I also have to make some compromises, like being okay with not having a bigger space or accepting that my current place is not as quote-and-quote new and comfortable as my previous place. Ah! I haven’t written about me moving to a new place (again)! I’ll probably talk about it later in another post. 

And oh! My big brother is an architect, so should I need some help, I can just go to him anyway. 

But dream home, well, I have two images in mind: a house on a corner lot and an ultramodern loft. My dream home is either a detached house on a corner lot or a loft apartment. Mind you, I’m not married (yet), so for now, I don’t think I need a big place. Also, smaller houses are supposed to be easier and quicker to clean, right? However, there are some mandatory “keywords” for my dream home: privacy, modern, storage space, and well-lit. 

Modern industrial house on a corner lot. Credit: Lorena Darquea (homedit)

My preference for corner houses comes from my personal experience. In fact, my family home is situated on a corner lot. My room is on the second level and is a corner room. Featuring corner windows overlooking the front garden and a junction, the room allows me to have a wider view, which is great. Corner houses are also built on relatively bigger lots than non-corner ones, meaning you have more space to use. My parents love gardening, so having a bigger space for it surely makes them happy. It’s also easier to identify, thanks to its location. Sure, there are some downsides to corner houses, and when it comes to feng shui, these houses are generally a no-no option. As a half-Chinese, I have to admit I am a selective feng shui believer. I don’t like two doors facing each other (like in hotels), a bed positioned in such a way that my feet point out the door (it’s called a “coffin” position, and I am scared of coffins), or a bathroom positioned opposite the front door. I want my bathrooms to have water, wood, and earth elements and my bedroom to be clad in toned-down colours. However, I don’t think having a corner house is a big no or something to avoid. I’ve seen so many beautiful and stylish corner houses in real life, and I like them. To ensure greater privacy, I would love to purchase a property within a gated community. I grew up living in one, so I am used to such a life. Thankfully, my neighbours aren’t nosy or problematic, and issues are taken care of really well.

As for style, I love modern ones. Minimalist, industrial, and ultramodern styles are my top three numbers. Scandinavian and Japandi (a portmanteau of Japanese-Scandinavian) aesthetics are also my cup of tea. I used to like more intricate, classical styles like Baroque, Victorian, Georgian, and Adam styles. As I grew older, however, I realised that life is such a complicated affair, and to avoid more complications in life, I would go with something simpler. I think simpler styles also cost less (at least you don’t have to spend more money on, I don’t know, Corinthian columns, exquisite ceiling trims, intricate ironwork, or whatnot). Neoclassical and Art Deco are still my favourites, though, as they are not as intricate yet elegant. Neoclassical style, in particular, can be mixed with contemporary elements, which is a big win for me. It’s like a good balance. 

Industrial-style living room. Credit: PLNTS.com

Deluxe View Room at the Kengo Kuma-designed The Tokyo EDITION Toranomon

The bedroom of One Bedroom Suite at The Langham, Jakarta

Deluxe Junior Suite at Rosewood Vienna

Speaking of industrial style, I know it is generally quite dark, and I must admit I am scared of darkness. However, there is something sexy about the style that entices me. It might also have been overly used, with countless restaurants and coffee shops in Jakarta and Bandung sporting this style. For a residence, however, it is still unique. If I were to apply this style to my dream home, I think I would go “as is” with exposed brick and raw concrete walls on both the exterior and the interior. I can also put the pedal to the metal by using corrugated steel panels, like the ones used to build shipping containers, instead of wood panels. I don’t like spiral stairs in general, but for my industrial-style dream home, I wouldn’t mind having one (a big one); I just have to make sure the treads are wooden, not metal, to reduce noise. For flooring, I am fine with raw concrete or herringbone parquet. The living-dining area would have double-height ceilings with floor-to-ceiling windows and sliding doors overlooking a garden (probably a Zen garden would be great). An article on The Spaces showcases a property in Sydney that screams industrial, with huge steel-framed windows, exposed brick walls, bare concrete floor, and sturdy metal columns supporting timber beams. The design and layout are pretty inspirational for me, even though I have something else in mind for my dream home. 

Warehouse-turned-residence in Sydney. Credit: The Spaces

Living-dining-kitchen area with double-height ceilings. Credit: The Spaces

Large windows allow more natural light to enter during the daytime. Credit: The Spaces

Another thing I want to have in my dream home is a good-sized space for a grand piano. As a musician, I want a designated space to place and showcase one of my prized possessions. The nicest spot to place it is the living area, and if the piano is positioned next to a window, that will be much better. A fireplace can really complement this area, especially if I plan to live in a city whose climate is relatively cool. I remember visiting a friend of my dad who had an enormous fireplace in her dining hall. Her house was dressed in a Mid-Century Modern-meets-rustic style and was built on some sort of hill, so some rooms were blessed with a sprawling view of her garden and the city. On rainy days, I think it would be really great to turn on the fireplace and have some tea there.

The living area of a residential farmhouse in Nuenen. Credit: Hoog Design

In terms of furnishing, a leather sofa is a must for my industrial-style dream home. I love leather in various aspects, including fragrance, fashion, and furniture. A modular sofa also sounds great, but if the space doesn’t allow one, a regular sofa will still work for me. Last year, I attended an event at Minotti Jakarta and got an opportunity to see their vast collection. Rodolfo Dordoni-designed Twiggy, in particular, piqued my interest. The design looks low-key futuristic and whispers sensuality. The one displayed at the store was upholstered in fabric, but the piece is offered in different iterations, including black leather. Another thing I want to have in my home is perfect lighting. I think Eichholtz has steampunk-flavoured products. I mean, steampunk and industrial styles make a good match, right? Oh, I almost forgot it! I want a good-sized walk-in closet. I think I need it. I want to have plenty of space to store my clothes, hang my leather jackets, and showcase my fragrance collection. It will also be nice to be able to categorise and keep my clothes (especially T-shirts) based on their colours. My favourite colours are black, blue, and white, so having three designated spots for these colours will be amazing.

Twiggy by Rodolfo Dordoni. Credit: Minotti

For a loft apartment, I still want to decorate it in a modern fashion. As I mentioned earlier, ultramodern, industrial, and minimalist are my go-to styles. There is an apartment tower near my workplace, and its units have floor-to-ceiling windows. I once browsed the internet for the units’ interior. They were pretty modern, I would say. However, I imagine my dream loft will not be that big. It’s not cramped, but it’s not a behemoth either. Since it’s on a smaller side, I have to make some adjustments to make the space look and feel more spacious while still intimate. A minimalist style will be great when rendered in a toned-down, neutral palette (see the photo of The Tokyo EDITION Toranomon for reference), while an industrial-style loft will look handsome in a black-and-white swatch (with white dominating the interior). I take inspiration from real residences, as well as hotels. The River View Mezzanine room at The Warehouse Hotel, Singapore, makes a perfect example.

River View Mezzanine at The Warehouse Hotel, Singapore

Capitol Hill Loft in Seattle. Credit: Dwell

I did a quick research on the internet to find out the average size of loft apartments in Jakarta. The size starts from 45 square metres, which is, well, pretty common. If I live in a loft, I will have to give up some things. For one, I don’t think I can have a grand piano, but a digital piano can still fit. I don’t mind having a queen-sized bed as long as I can have a decent space for my clothes (again, it’s about storage). Since I’ve always been a city boy my whole life, a sky-high living will fit my lifestyle. I would place a desk by the window so I could have a nice view while working. Ah, I can imagine a lo-fi-like scenario where I work until late at night, accompanied by city lights, a cup of hot chocolate, some cookies, and—of course—a lo-fi playlist. 

I believe it’s wonderful to be able to have my own dream home, whether a corner house or a loft apartment. In the end, however, a dream home is more than just a living space; it’s a space where I feel safe, happy, and comfortable. It’s a place that I cannot wait to be at after a long, tiring day at work. It’s a space where I can be and express myself unapologetically. It’s a part of me.

Feels Like Home

It’s been raining since this morning. I initially planned to take some outdoor photos of myself with my motorbike, but the weather didn’t allow it, so I guess I am staying indoors today. Today’s also my last day in Bandung before going back to Jakarta tomorrow, and as usual, I am not happy about returning to Jakarta. Why can’t I just live and work from my place in Bandung? Jakarta’s too hot, too humid, too crowded, too polluted. Bandung’s been crowded and its traffic’s been crazy, too, but at least the weather’s nicer and the air’s cleaner. 

Anyway, it’s been almost a year since I first moved to Jakarta. I’ve mentioned my very first place in some posts. Yes, it was not so great, but I like the surroundings. The Gajah Mada-Hayam Wuruk area has its own charm that is so dear to my heart. No, it’s not the nicest or fanciest place to live, and my partner even once called it “ghetto” (and I can’t deny it because, to be brutally honest, some corners look ghetto-esque), but there’s something about it that feels nostalgic. I think it has something to do with my childhood. The Gajah Mada-Hayam Wuruk area, particularly the street I used to live on, has a similar vibe to where I grew up. The area is also home to amazing food. From Sundanese delicacies to Chinese food, I think this area has them all. Sure, there aren’t many fancy places here to dine, but, nah, who cares. 

During the Dutch colonial period, Gajah Mada Street and Hayam Wuruk Street were called Molenvliet West and Molenvliet Oost, respectively. Stretching around 2.8 kilometres, they are separated by a canal. Molenvliet West, in particular, was passed through a tramway. Now defunct, the track was buried in asphalt and was rediscovered during a major roadwork, which went viral for a short time. Some people argued that it was best to “preserve” the track for its historical value, while others believe the track had to go because it is no longer used (and for a number of people, the track is a symbol of colonialism). I was on a bus when I first saw the track. I don’t know why, but it looked scary to me. It looked like the pain and suffering Indonesians had to endure back during the colonial era. 

The Gajah Mada-Hayam Wuruk area contains buildings from the 70s, 80s, and 90s that are still present. Some have neon lights installed on their façade, which screams retro. In addition, this area is home to many Chinese Indonesians, with Glodok being the epicentre of Chinatown. Some signs are even in hanzi and it reminds me of Hong Kong in the 80s, especially at night (I watched some 80s Hong Kong movies). There are some historical buildings in this area, as well. Candra Naya Building, for one, is a heritage building dating back to the 18th century. It served as the residence of Chinese captain Khouw Kim An (許金安) and is now a museum. In fact, the Gajah Mada-Hayam Wuruk area (specifically, Glodok) was one of the targeted areas during the 1998 May riots. Buildings owned by Chinese Indonesians, in particular, were looted and damaged, and some Chindos were even assaulted. Dilapidated buildings can be seen around this area and serve as a reminder of a dark moment in the country’s history. 

Pantjoran Tea House (credit: Coconuts Jakarta)

Candra Naya Building (credit: Photo Dharma via Wikimedia)

Now, Glodok (and Gajah Mada-Hayam Wuruk thoroughfare in general) is an epicurean paradise. There is a supermarket that sells various products, including imported ones, at more affordable prices. It also has a small restaurant serving a variety of Peranakan cuisine, including Penang char kway teow—my favourite dish to order. At the intersection between Gajah Mada Street and Pancoran Street, there is a lovely tea place called Pantjoran Tea House. In front of the premises, there is a wooden table with small plastic cups and blirik teapots filled with—well—hot tea, and anyone can have a cup for free. It is based on a Chinese tradition called patekoan, by which people give free tea to anyone passing by their homes. A stone’s throw away from Pantjoran Tea House is Kopi Es Tak Kie. It serves iced coffee, as the name implies, as well as other dishes. 

I think the Gajah Mada-Hayam Wuruk area is the one that screams the 80s (and Hong Kong 80s) the loudest. I remember I was walking home from the bus stop, and my phone played Akiko Kobayashi’s “恋に落ちて ~Fall In Love~”. There are countless songs released in the 1980s, but Kobayashi’s is among those that fit the atmosphere of the thoroughfare. Another song that fits the atmosphere is dosii’s Shampoo Fairy (“샴푸의 요정”). It sounds more modern but still has that retro vibe in it. Listening to these songs, I really enjoyed my way home and found myself immersed in the situation. The song fit the atmosphere, and it was beautiful. Again, the area might not be the fanciest, but it still feels so close to my heart. 

The second phase of MRT Jakarta construction is ongoing and, traffic-wise, this area is affected. Due to massive roadworks, heavy traffic is inevitable. Thanks to my decision to move out from my old place, I don’t have to deal with the traffic every day. Deep down, however, I know that I still love the area. Once the second phase ends and the MRT operates, I think I might consider moving to the Gajah Mada-Hayam Wuruk area again. 

2023 in A Nutshell

The year 2023 is coming to an end soon. Ah, how time flies so fast. This is the last day (and the last Sunday) of the year, and I spent the weekend hitting the arcade, playing games with my friends, and having a nice dinner with them. It was great and amazing, but now that I am by myself, I am feeling a sense of nostalgia and melancholia as I am writing this post. I have to admit this year’s not the best year in my life, and even though I’ve managed to survive, I cannot say that all the pains I had gone through didn’t leave some scars. In addition, I feel like I haven’t achieved some things I wish I could achieve in 2023. It’s fine, it’s totally fine. At the very least, the year taught me so many precious lessons. 

At the beginning of the year, I was faced with a harsh reality: I had to move to Jakarta. The company I work at requested all employees to begin working from the office. Saturday, January 28, 2023. It was raining that morning. All my bags were packed, but I wasn’t ready to go. I left Bandung for Jakarta that day. I remember feeling sad and depressed during the whole car trip. My mom also went with me that day. She wanted to see where I was going to live and later visit her brother in Jakarta. I was really sad that night, realising that I had to live by myself in a new place. I couldn’t sleep that night, wishing that it was just a dream and that I still had a chance to live and work from Bandung. I wish I didn’t have to go, but sadly I had to. For the first weeks in Jakarta, I didn’t feel truly happy and didn’t enjoy what the city offered. Until this day, I have to say I don’t really like the city. The pollution sucks, the traffic sucks, the air quality sucks. Sure, the city promises good food, cool places, and wonderful experiences, but I still believe that Jakarta is not the best place to live. 

May 2023. At this point, I have understood “the drill” in order to survive in the dog-eat-dog city. I have become used to life in Jakarta. I learnt some tricks for commuting. I know some places that sell good products at affordable prices. It’s true when people say that Jakarta is such a harsh place to live. I don’t want to make a generalisation but compared to people in Bandung, some people in Jakarta can be really selfish, rude, mean, and impolite. I guess my way of adapting to this situation was becoming a meaner person myself. In fact, I’ve found myself being a meaner person. I’m not saying that it’s a good thing, but in my defence, I am mean because people are mean to me in the first place, so my attitude is a response to others’ attitudes towards me. And even to say that I am meaner is not totally true because, instead of “being mean”, I think I am just being more assertive. I have become bolder and braver to stand up for myself and speak up for others’ unfair treatment or behaviours. To put it simply, I won’t let others step on me, and I think this is how we should be when living in a big city like Jakarta. 

July 2023. I moved into a new place near my office. To be honest, I love my previous place’s surrounding neighbourhood. I feel like I’ve known that area for a long time (probably because it’s in Chinatown, and I grew up in Chinatown back when I was a kid). It was my place that was problematic, and the building manager was not capable of maintaining the premises. Another problem is the place is really far from my office. The rent was quite affordable, but the service provided wasn’t so good. I eventually decided that it was time to move out, and I found a new place close to my office. The building was pretty new, the amenities were new, everything was new. The room is way more spacious, the ceiling is higher, and the window is bigger. It is definitely a huge upgrade, but it costs way more. In fact, rent has blown up my monthly expenses. There was also one neighbour—a filthy, uncultured swine—who was so noisy that my other neighbours and I despised him. 

Moving onto my work life, I feel like the year 2023 has presented a plethora of unnecessary office dramas. I love what I do, but the dramas oftentimes led me to think about my career choice. In general, my co-workers are nice and caring, but I am close to only a few people. I think it’s important to have these guys in my life because I feel safe talking to them about some of my problems. They care about me. They ask how I do and will be worried when I look down or sad. We talk about our problems or feelings over lunch or afternoon tea, which helps us know and understand each other better. We walk home and buy meals together on our way home. We share some secrets. We have small arguments sometimes. I am truly grateful for having them in my life. Ever since I quit my job as a translator (actually, the situation was I quit and, at the same time, the company let me go, so it was such a “stars align” moment), I prayed to God that wherever I work at, I will meet much greater people who are nice, caring, and understanding, and I guess God has answered my prayer. 

When it comes to my mental health, 2023 was a little better year than 2022. I did experience episodes of dark hours, but they weren’t frequent. Thankfully, I have my partner, co-workers, and friends who help me and show their support during hard times. Indeed, some days were so dark that even the act of waking up in the morning felt like an impossibility. Sometimes, I felt like some people didn’t care about me, deliberately ignoring me. I had those thoughts in my head. In addition, I tend to experience sensory overload when stressed out or depressed, which leads me to avoid interactions with others. It was also during these times that I got pretty sensitive to the fact that simple, inoffensive things can irritate me (and that’s why I became reclusive so as to not hurt others with my reactions). But again, I am thankful for having my support system. I don’t think I would be okay without them. 

Wait. Where were we? 

Nah, I can’t even follow the plot of my own writing, but who cares? It’s my own writing, my own thoughts and feelings. I can write about them the way I want. 

Okay. So we are coming to the end of the year. People usually talk about dreams, wishes, resolutions, well, you name it. I don’t know if I have some. I mean, I do have some hopes, but just like I did last year, I don’t think I am going to have high expectations. Sure, a bigger salary, better health, and greater happiness sound so exciting, but life is a bitch that will always come with some problems as they are inevitable, so I’ll keep my expectations low. As I am writing this, I am not feeling well. I am ending this year feeling sick and nauseous. I don’t think I ate something poisonous or dangerous, but here I am, dealing with annoying stomachache and occasional diarrhoea. At the same time, I feel dizzy and lethargic. My muscles and joints are hurting. I cough a lot. I have been coughing a lot since last week, which sucks (wait, I didn’t get the motherfucking COVID again, did I?). My sinusitis is acting up. Seriously, God is such a funny dude with a fucking funny plot for me to close this year. But anyway, I still managed to have fun in the past couple of days. And, oh! I plan to move to a new place. My current place costs a lot (as I mentioned earlier) 

So, happy new year, I guess? I wish you all an amazing year ahead. 

(Not) What I Pictured

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WordPress has a built-in daily prompt feature, which I have never used. Some prompts were actually pretty easy and straightforward; I just didn’t think I wanted to, you know, write about the themes/topics featured. In fact, this is my first post based on the prompt. The prompt (or, rather, the question) is, “Is your life today what you pictured a year ago?” and to answer this question, I can simply say no.

No, it’s not. 

I can even go back to my high school years. Since I was in elementary school, I always dreamt of becoming an architect or a musician—a classical pianist, to be precise. I grew up listening to Beethoven, Mozart, and Chopin. I play piano and violin. I listen to the music all the time. I have participated in numerous concerts, be it classical or popular. My life has always revolved around music, so when people asked what I wanted to be, my response would be, “I want to be a pianist” or “I want to be a musician”. I pictured my future as a musician, performing in classical concerts and collaborating with different artists. My future home would have two grand pianos—one in the parlour and the other one in the dining room. In high school, I began to dive into the world of EDM, familiarising myself with the likes of Tiësto, Armin van Buuren, David Guetta, and Benny Benassi. It was during this time that I had an idea of marrying classical music with EDM, and I looked up to musicians like Maksim Mrvica, Vanessa Mae, and Bond. I remember performing Rimsky-Korsakov’s Flight of the Bumblebee, accompanied by a band in a rock arrangement. Yes, it was a rock arrangement—not an EDM one, but I was happy with the result. 

I fell in love deeply with Chopin in college. During these years, I practised and played his pieces, with the “Raindrop” prelude being my best favourite. I first listened to the piece when I was in elementary school; my mom was pregnant at that time and listened to classical music a lot, and the prelude was one of the pieces included in the tape cassette she bought, so it has sentimental value. My goal was to master the “Heroic” polonaise (I watched Nodame Cantabile: The Movie I, and the piece is featured in the movie), but I ended up practising Debussy’s Arabesque No. 1 because it sounds very romantic. However, I found myself struggling with my thesis and consequently “took a hiatus” from classical music. In the same year, I landed a job as a translator. It was my very first job, and juggling between college and work was really difficult. In 2016, I graduated from college and continued to focus on working. 

With most of my time allocated to work, I thought I wasn’t able to pursue music further. I began my journey as a writer in 2018 when I joined a start-up company, crafting texts on various topics from different clients. In 2019, I worked for a hospitality company as a freelance content writer. That year, I wore a different hat for three different companies. I must admit that 2018 and 2019 were the busiest years, but somehow I enjoyed them. Pursuing a career in the music industry was no longer my priority, and playing the piano was just a favourite pastime. Sometimes, I wished I could embark on a journey in the entertainment industry as a musician, but I was already too involved in the media/creative industry. 

In 2022, I landed a new job. I now work as an editorial writer for two publications. Last year, I was still able to work from home, meaning that I could work from Bandung, my hometown. Earlier this year (2023), the company decided that all employees should begin to work from the office, effectively “forcing” me to move from Bandung to Jakarta. It was a big, difficult decision, and until today, I still hate the fact that I have to live in Jakarta, leaving my family, cats, and friends behind. I’ve been in this city for almost a year now, and sure, I’ve known “the drills”. The city has no longer been strange, and I think I have become somewhat different to what I used to be since the move. The city has changed me, I would say. I don’t know whether it’s a good change or not, but at the very least, I survived. 

So, yeah, my life now is not what I pictured a year ago. I thought I would still be able to work from Bandung, but I had to fucking move to this concrete jungle where the weather is excruciatingly hot, the pollution is horrible, and the traffic is a daily nightmare. Rents are crazy, some people are assholes (I mean, they are everywhere, right?), and homesickness and loneliness are inevitable. Did I find good things here? Well, yes, I did, and I am thankful for the amazing experiences I have had. I met new amazing people, I have co-workers who care for me, and most importantly, I have a loving partner who supports me unconditionally. Sure, the year 2023 was/is not perfect, but I think if I can focus on the good things, I can end the year on a positive note. I hope the new year will bring me more great things—kinder people, bigger money, better health, and greater experiences.

I Need Some Peace

I’ve been dealing with insomnia lately. Well, as a night owl, I am used to sleeping at 12 or 1, but when insomnia attacks, no matter how early I try to sleep, I end up sleeping at 2 or 3. I remember not being able to sleep one night until around 3.30, so imagine lying restless on the bed for hours, only to wake up feeling sick and unrested. 

During my insomnia period, my brain would play a series of memories. Some were beautiful, but the rest were just horrible. I couldn’t tell my brain to stop playing them. I didn’t want to open my eyes and stare at the darkness, but my eyes kind of told me to open them. It seemed like I had no control over my brain (which, I believe, is experienced by many). Sometimes, what-ifs filled my mind, leaving a deep regret that haunted me. These days, I have also had bad dreams. Some weren’t necessarily terrible, but they gave a spotlight on my fears. One of the bad dreams I can still remember was being involved in a forced marriage, with me being forced to marry someone. In that dream, I even told my soon-to-be-wife that I didn’t want to do this. Up to this point, I haven’t seen “marriage” in my dictionary. It’s not a priority for me, so it’s just natural for me to feel uncomfortable when people ask when I am going to get married. 

Last night, I was lying on my bed, thinking about what I was doing with my life. These days, I have been an angry guy, especially at the office. I’ve been moody, easily irritated, and unfriendly. I guess I’m just really tired of everything happening in my life. My workload has been crazy and I’m broke as fuck. I am anxious about my career path, hoping to get a promotion and a raise. I’ve been looking for an additional job to support myself, but I just haven’t landed on one. My bank account is dying, but I have bills to pay. Sometimes, I find myself dreaming of those years I worked as a translator. I could work from anywhere, I didn’t have to leave my hometown, and I got a pretty good salary. It’s a different situation now, and I wish I worked harder and saved more money back then. 

I hear screams in my head—my own screams. I wonder how long I can survive and if my hard work will pay off. Nevertheless, I believe that I am responsible for my own happiness, so in such a hard time, I have to make sure that I can find some happiness and peace. Or rather, I have to make my own happiness and peace. I don’t know if my words make sense because when I write as a therapy, I tend to just let things flow, no matter how jumbled they seem.

Blissful Loneliness

Last week, I attended my cousin’s wedding. Ever since she told me that she would soon get married, I was beyond excited. The wedding venue, however, turned out to be in North Jakarta, and even though I now live in Jakarta, it is still pretty far from my place. I initially asked my partner to come with me, but they already had some plans with their friends. In the end, I decided to go by myself. It was raining, and halfway through, I doubted if I should continue the trip, but my cousin is very special to me. She is a cousin and a childhood friend, so her wedding is something I shouldn’t miss. I took the subway and transferred to the bus. The trip took around an hour. It was one rainy Saturday evening and I thought the traffic would be jammed, but it was actually okay (which was a great relief for me). I managed to come on time and enjoy the event. I even got a prize from a game. 

And then, it was time for me to go home. I decided to take a bus and subway, just like before. It was around 9.30 and even though it was Saturday night, the bus stop was almost empty. I remember only one girl was waiting for a bus, so there were only the two of us at the stop. The bus came and we got on it. There were plenty of empty seats as the bus was also almost empty. I sat by the window, plugged my headset into my phone, and played some music. It was Jukjae’s Reminiscence. When it comes to listening to music, I have a habit of playing one music on repeat. This is true, especially with songs I really love or am obsessed with. 

Jukjae first performed this song on Yoo Heeyeol’s Sketchbook—a music program aired by KBS—in 2020. He performed it again on the same program in 2022. The version I have on my phone is the 2020 one. The lyrics centre around a longing for someone and the pain of being left. The song begins with mellow piano riffs before the first verse comes. The arrangement gradually gets merrier (I don’t think “merrier” is the right word), and the last part even features a bluesy element. I think Jukjae successfully delivered the story embodied in the song, effortlessly making the opus melancholic without being overly melancholic (ambience-wise, this performance sort of reminds me of Jung Dongha’s performance of the late Kim Hyunsik’s My Love by My Side on Immortal Songs 2). 

The song fits the situation. I was on the bus, on my way home, by myself. It was still raining outside. There was a lot to see from the window: people waiting for the bus; a shopkeeper sitting lazily on a Monobloc, waiting for customers; a man taking refuge from the rain under a pedestrian bridge; men smoking and chatting in front of a convenience store. Reminiscence captured the sense of loneliness I felt at that time. Looking back, I experienced a similar feeling during my first weeks in Jakarta. After work, I would take a bus home and if I was lucky, I would get an empty seat. Bonus point if it was by the window. I would listen to some music while thinking about lots of things or remembering my time in Bandung. I missed my hometown, family, and friends, and instead of being close to them, I was somewhere else by myself, surrounded by strangers. I think Reminiscence will also fit that scenario. 

However, it was not necessarily a bad thing. There was something heartwarming about the scenario—being on a bus by myself, looking out the window, and immersing myself in the melancholia of the situation. I didn’t like the fact that I was by myself (I wish I was with my partner), but there was something comforting about it. If I could choose, I wouldn’t want to be in that situation by myself, but I would admit that it isn’t totally bad. Blissful loneliness, I would say.

It’s Not A Goodbye

The universe has its own way to shape our paths and guide us to take them. Sure, it’s normal for people to walk on different paths, which results in a farewell. And I think this is a life dynamic inevitable. People come and go, and life takes us on a new adventure. It can be exciting and, at the same time, sad. We welcome new faces to our lives, and, at other times, we bid adieu to those we care about and love so dearly. 

Yesterday, we had a simple farewell party for a friend. Michael is going to Japan soon for another adventure, and my friends and I would love to make one last memory with him before he leaves. As I was on leave (I am still, though), I didn’t want to lose a chance to properly say goodbye to him, and I didn’t even think of it as a goodbye. I will never know what the future holds, so there are always some possibilities that can happen, including meeting him again. It wasn’t a goodbye; it was an “until we meet again” thing.

I am excited for him, and I’m sure he is also as excited to embark on a new journey in the country he has been familiar with (Michael previously worked in the hospitality industry in Japan). However, the idea of being unable to meet him and play games regularly like we used to is what hurts me. Since moving to Jakarta earlier this year, I haven’t been able to meet my friends in Bandung because, well, I now live in Jakarta. I didn’t like the move; in fact, I never did. I’ve always wanted to go back to Bandung and live in the city, but life has had a different plan for me and at this point, I had no choice but to follow the plan. Now that Michael is the one leaving us, I have mixed feelings about it. Sure, I am happy that he is going to craft new dreams, but on the other hand, being left is painful. I guess this is how leaving and being left are different. When you leave, you have something new to look forward to. It is sad, definitely, but you have something you look forward to, and it sort of “occupies” your mind, so you’re not totally stuck with the sadness and the loneliness (even though those feelings occur sometimes). When you are left by someone, the leaving person leaves an emptiness in your life, and this gap is not always “refillable”. 

I always believe that people who have come into our lives have a space in our hearts. Think of a heart as a hotel with hundreds or even thousands of rooms owned by people in our lives. When one “checks out” for any reason, their room cannot simply be occupied by someone else or a new person because the space belongs to them (take note of how I use the word “own” instead of “reserve”). Instead of occupying the leaving person’s room, these new individuals will have their own room. This is why we can never truly and totally forget people who used to be a part of our daily lives. It might seem that the old person has been replaced by someone else, but in reality, our focus just has shifted. The old person is no longer in focus, but they are still in our hearts and mind, represented by their room. People can come back and “check in” to our hearts, occupying their respective rooms, but some probably will never return; we have either “blacklisted” them from our lives, or they have decided not to return. 

Physically, Michael is about to leave his room in our hearts. By physical, I refer to in-person meet-ups, but thanks to the development of technology and communication system, we will always have ways to stay in touch with each other. His room won’t be neglected because when we communicate through social media platforms, we are sort of “housekeeping”, ensuring that his room is nice and neat. Honestly, I am having fun writing this post because both Michael and I are pretty familiar with the hospitality industry. He works in the industry while I review and write about hotels and resorts, so being able to create such an analogy feels really great. 

For now, we have to part ways, embarking on our unique journeys. Despite taking on different paths, we know we can always connect to each other through social media or messaging platforms. Who knows, there will be a cross point in the future where our fates intersect and we unexpectedly take on the same route. We’ll never know. I wish Michael good luck in his future endeavours. 

Until we meet again, my friend.

No Difference

Today was a little unusual for me. The distance between my place and my office is about 7 kilometres, and my daily commute comprises subway and bus rides. Sure, it is tiring to have to go through such a thing every day, but today, in particular, was surprisingly more exhausting than usual. After getting off the bus, I decided to visit a nearby convenience store to buy some drinks (also, I suddenly remembered I had to buy some cereals for breakfast). Normally, I would walk from the bus stop directly to my place, but this time, I felt so tired that I needed to rest for a while. 

There was an old woman—a trash collector lady sitting in front of the store. She noticed my presence and smiled, and I nodded in reply (I was wearing a mask). After buying all the things I needed, I exited the store and sat at a seating area on the store’s porch. The old woman was still there. Again, she looked at me and smiled. 

“Koh*, istirahat dulu, koh.” (“Take a rest for a while, boy.”)

She told me to take a rest. I smiled at her and thanked her. 

“Pasti capek jalan kaki begitu. Istirahat dulu aja.” (“It must be tiring to walk [that far]. Just take a rest for a while.”)

And then she began to ask some questions about me—where I work, where I live, where I am originally from. When I told her that I was from Bandung, she was rather surprised. 

“Bandung? Ibu juga dulu di sana. Pernah dulu tuh di Bandung.” (“Bandung? I have lived there before. Long, long ago.”)

“Oh, ya? Udah lama banget pasti ya, Bu.” (“Really? It must have been a long time ago.”)

“Bandung mah dingin, ya. Ibu kagak kuat. Dingin banget di sana mah.” (It’s chilly there, right? I couldn’t stand the cold. The weather was just too much for me.”)

“Ya, Bu. Bandung emang dingin. Kalau di Jakarta, lebih anget ya, Bu?” (Yes, ma’am. It’s indeed chilly. It’s warmer here in Jakarta, isn’t it?”)

“Ya. Ah, lagian sama aja. Mau di Bandung, mau di Jakarta. Sama aja. Ibu pindah ke Bandung buat nyari duit, eh jadi gelandangan. Di Jakarta, sama juga jadi gelandangan. Tidur di depan toko.” (“No difference anyway. Be it Bandung or Jakarta, [my life] is just the same. I moved to Bandung to make a living but became homeless instead. In Jakarta, I am also homeless, sleeping in front of stores.”)

I was rather stunned. As someone who has moved to Jakarta to work, I felt sad and hurt upon hearing her words. For some, moving to Jakarta from a small city can be a big decision and a huge step towards success and a better life. Others, however, feel or have realised that the move does not make a difference (or, at the very least, not a significant one). Be it Jakarta or Bandung, life for some is just the same. Even though it might be initially seen as a solution, moving does not automatically change one’s life to a better state. In the old woman’s case, the difference was just the weather, and she even couldn’t stand the cold. She was homeless in Bandung and is also homeless in Jakarta. She finds shelter in front of closed stores or buildings and collects trash to earn money that is probably not enough to afford her decent meals for a day. 

I remember a couple of days ago, I was on YouTube and watched a video on several North Korean refugees in South Korea wanting to return to their country. Despite their great effort to flee the country, they realised that South Korea, the country they had wished could provide them with a better life, has now served as hell for them. Living is not easy for them; in the end, they see no difference. Be it in the North or the South, life does not significantly change for the better. 

*older brother in Hokkien. A common term to address men, young and old, of Chinese descent in Indonesia

30

A week has passed since the 28th of May, and now I am 30. Given what has happened to me in the last two years, I am surprised upon knowing that I was able to go this far and have finally come to this point in my life. Stepping into a new number gave me mixed feelings. I am happy and excited, but at the same time, I feel scared and anxious. This new phase of my life will present a plethora of challenges, and, to be honest, I am not fully prepared for what is waiting for me. What-ifs fill up my head as anxiety grows bigger and bigger. At the same time, I am also thinking about new opportunities that will come to me. I don’t know what my life will be in the next, I don’t know, three months, for instance. Will it be better? Or will it be worse? Will I be happier? Or will I be more depressed? 

As I grow older, I realise that my dreams have changed a lot. Certain things I used to wish for are no longer my priorities. At this point, I also know for sure that my social circle has become smaller. I have begun to focus more on those who truly love and care about me (and whom I love and care about as well), and given less attention to those who do not care about me or contribute positively to my life. Communication with some people has been cut down significantly, but, at the same time, I felt closer to other friends. I haven’t shown any big effort to connect with those who do not care enough to connect with me. On the other hand, I have given my best to nurture my existing relationships with those who are sincerely supportive and loving. It might sound childish, but I think that’s how life works. I just have to switch my focus to more important things and people in my life instead of giving my time and energy to inessential matters that, in the end, might be upsetting. 

I had a casual talk with my seniors at work about what being in the 30s means and their main takeaways. They simply told me to enjoy life, keep doing my best, and not let anyone tell me what I must do or who I have to be. Of course, they did admit that they, too, had some regrets, but in the end, they just had to go on with their lives and give their best in everything they did. And I loved it when they told me that stepping into the world of 30s should not let me give up on things I love. After all, age is just a number. Just because I am 30 now doesn’t mean I have to quit doing things I love, like playing Pump It Up, listening to so-called “teenager music” (music is just music, though), or sporting certain styles. Being 30 does not equal being another person; it’s the same person, just age-wise older. During this talk, I also expressed my concerns and fear, but my seniors told me that everything would be okay in the end as long as I kept going and did not stop believing. 

Speaking of style, I told my seniors about how some people were surprised upon knowing that I turned 30 as they thought I was younger or, rather, looked younger. It’s not the first time I heard such a thing. In fact, I’ve had people tell me that I look pretty young and I do not look my age, which I always take as a compliment. I truly see it as a great thing. Thanks to the gene I got from my parents and, partially, the skin care routine I have followed, I look like this. However, looking younger than the actual age actually has its own “challenges”. When visiting a public space or attending an event, sometimes I noticed how people’s treatment towards me was different to how they treated others who looked my age. How did I know that? Well, they coughed it up themselves. Some admitted thinking that I was a fresh graduate (who, probably in their minds, was still green in the industry) or a teenager who had no idea about where he was and what he was doing there. A little concerned by this, I asked my seniors for some suggestions. One of them recommended sporting styles that are relevant to my actual age, and when he mentioned button-ups and suits, I was sort of… what’s the word… fershimmeled? Like, confused because I know that those aren’t really my style. I do have some shirts—nice shirts, I would say, but I do not wear them every day. Another suggestion was changing my posture and… ah, again… what’s the word… idiosyncrasy? Like the way I walk, for instance, or the small gestures I usually show. I know it will not be easy to change them, and in the end, I know I can never be someone else, so after getting some suggestions, my seniors reminded me that what’s important is to stay true to myself and be myself. Then, I realised that I might have worried too much about things I did not have to worry about. If people do not like me for, let’s say, the way I look, then they aren’t worth my time and energy. It’s those who can see past my appearance whom I have to treasure. 

Of course, there are going to be new challenges for me. I still have to work on my confidence (people think that I am an outgoing, extroverted guy, but the reality is, I am an introvert who needs time [and big effort] to eventually be able to feel comfortable around people and show my true colours). I also have to learn to control my expenses. Handling emotions is another thing I have to work on since I know that my expression of anger can be pretty explosive. I am also still battling my depression and anxiety and need to learn more ways to handle the “dark hours”. Yeah, there’s a lot to do and learn and some difficult moments, but I think 30 will also bring new happiness and exciting things. 

So, yeah… Happy 30, me. Thank you for always doing your best and loving yourself better than anyone else.