journey

Broken Wednesday

댓글 남기기

I feel broken today. I feel exhausted, depressed, frustrated, perplexed, angry, and hurt. I woke up feeling blue and demotivated, wondering what today was going to be like or what my feelings would be. It took me longer to leave my bed, wash my face, and have a simple breakfast; in fact, I didn’t have breakfast today. I just had some digestive biscuits to fill my empty stomach. Work e-mails and messages looked like threats to me, and I wished I didn’t have to turn on my laptop for work. I didn’t want to meet and talk with anyone. I just wished I could disappear or go somewhere really far where I could be with just myself, and I was the only one I would want to talk to.

I cried a lot today. I didn’t tell my co-workers about it but I did cry a lot. My eyes got puffier and the circles around my eyes became darker, and that’s partly because I haven’t slept well for two weeks or so. My voice sounded hoarser and speaking felt way more difficult than usual. I talked less to my housekeeper just because I didn’t feel like interacting with anyone, even my family. I did talk with my co-workers through instant messages because of work and it, somehow, still felt hard to do today but, at the very least, I talked with someone I could trust so despite feeling drained, I still had some energy to interact with her. Around 4 PM, I found myself crying again and this time, my chest hurt so bad that I thought I had an asthma attack (I have my medicine ready all the time so in case of an asthma attack, I am already prepared for the situation). I drank a lot of water trying to rehydrate my body and went outside to have fresh air but I couldn’t hold my tears anymore so I decided to get back inside and cried again. It really felt like nothing was able to prevent me from crying. Really, I was exhausted because I cried a lot today. 

I wish I was an apple tree. I wish I was a bunny.

I use an app called Daylio to track my moods and emotional state. After submitting my daily input, for the first time ever, the app told me that my mood in the last couple of weeks has been below average, which means that for weeks, I haven’t been okay and my emotions have mostly been negative. I accessed a section that features a mood graph and it showed so many red dots (representing negative feelings/emotions). It really hurt to know that the graph belongs to me, and to realize that I have been depressed lately. I want to be happy. I want to be happier. I want my energy back. I have tried anything to feel better, change the situation, or otherwise save myself but in the end, it seemed to me that all my effort was useless and no matter how hard I tried, things just wouldn’t change. 

Now I don’t know what I have to do, what steps I have to take, or what changes I have to make or implement. Everything just seems useless, and I barely have the energy to hang on longer.